Old Habits Die Hard

I've had moments like this before, and I'm sure over the average lifespan an individual will have a handful of times, where life feels heavier and decisions feel as though they will result in much more dire consequences to our lives. Everything feels like it needs to be intentional, purposeful, impactful - only progress and success.

And that pressure is such bullshit.

As I approach the end of my twenties and the anticipated spark of my thirties, I feel so educated and empowered, and yet so confused and hopeless all at the same time. I find myself building a career, a family, and a business in what presents itself as a choatic and continuously unprecedented time. I'm proud of the life I've built, yet at the same time I feel like everything I've believed in and felt passionate about is a mirage, or fairytale. As an empath and highly sensitive person, this is incredibly disappointing and not the future I imagined in my head back when I watched VCR movies in my basement as a child and daydreaming.

I'm not even technically a millennial! According to my birth year I'm Gen Z. But I fall in the weird inbetween of Millennial and Gen Z where I don't remember a time I didn't have easily accessible internet at home and I didn't need to experience the awful dial-up (just heard horror stories) but I also can appreciate a time that we didn't reply so heavily on technology to function with others. But no hate here, right? Just love. And coffee. I can identify as a Millennial if I want...Robert Pattinson said so. I am Millennial.

I keep reading online that being in your 30s is all about re-discovering all the things you used to love as child, but loving yourself this time and embracing it. I can already see this popping up for myself in the rock music I find myself listening to, the ghost shows I refuse to NOT watch when I am going to bed, and the urge deep in my soul over the last few weeks to buy a pair of tap shoes off Amazon and dance again with my daughter.

Even paying the money to start this blog and committing to (despite my ADHD, Autistic, OCD ass) that I will write down my various thoughts and life experiences, is something I tried before in highschool. Even at 16/17, I felt like I needed to express my thoughts and ideas to peers and not leave them in my head. As I've gotten older I've learned that it's unnecessary and, ultimately, unproductive to do so. As a human species, we are built and designed for community. The fact that everything about community has been stripped from us is resulting in so many of the health issues I now work within everyday.

So anyway, see this as an introduction or re-introduction. My purpose for this narrative outlet is clear: write about how I navigate life and how, as a mediocre millennial, I can craft my own self-identity and foster self-discovery while MAYBE helping others along the way.

-The Mediocre Millennial